Rise and shine

First and foremost: breakfast! What a great idea. Big fan of the “breakfast” thing, especially waffles. And OK, if I had to pick one thing to improve on, it’d probably be the “life is short and goes by fast and sometimes, for no reason, terrible things happen to people you love” part of it. But still: waffles! And maple syrup? Hell yeah!

5star


Well that was awkward

Lots of a cool stuff happened but there were some really embarrassing parts that I have to deduct points for… In 3rd grade, I went to a birthday party and the donkey they rented bit my hand and I threw up because I got so scared. Then in middle school, I kept popping boners at random and inopportune times. Might want to work on that because it’s super-embarrassing. Fewer spontaneous boners (and friendlier donkeys) please.

5star


A magical mystery tour

The best thing ever! You start small & scared but then get bigger and grow and have all sorts of adventures. There are even non-human friends you can have! Like cats or dogs or this one guy I knew had an iguana which is a type of lizard. There are, like, an infinite number of things you can do or try. Loved it!

5star


Work in progress…

Really crowded. Limited number of parking spaces. Often difficult to find a public bathroom. Too easy to get sunburned. Overall it’s a good idea but the whole mess needs work.

2star


Bring back the thunder lizards.

Call me an old-timer but I liked it better when it was that dinosaur joint way back in the day. It’s all fancy and stuck-up now. Someone tried to tell me this scrawny-ass lion was “an apex predator” and I was like “ok, pal… let’s throw Simba in the ring with a t-rex and see how he does…”

1star


Fish are fish.

What a ripoff. You don’t get to pick where you start or who you start with and that sucks. Also, the whole “whales aren’t fish, they’re mammals” thing is way too confusing. They should all be fish. If you swim in the ocean with fins, you’re a fish. Fish are fish.

1star


Worth the wait!

Be prepared for a slow start (mostly just sleeping & crying & shitting yourself). But wait it out because later on you get booze, jazz, girlfriends, fast cars, spring nights in the city, and cool ocean breezes blowing through your bedroom window as you fall asleep. It’s amazing. Also, much later, probably close to the end, you go back to the sleeping & crying & shitting yourself. The middle bit is fantastic, though.

4star


Huge variety but inconsistent quality…

Always kinda considered this whole thing a “tourist trap” but some friends convinced me to give it a shot and I was surprised to find a great selection of people & places. The problem? It’s a trial-and-error process to figure out which ones are any good (a lot of bad apples in the mix). You’ll get it after a while. I loved Miami, the south of France, musicians, and gardeners. Not a fan of New England, fjords, cab drivers, or hedge fund managers.

4star


Totally lost

Loud and confusing. Showed up and got no help. Nobody said what the rules were or what to do. Just wandered around for a while and did some stuff. Not sure what I did or if I’d do it again.

1star


To this I say “meh”

Hate to be a snob but I wasn’t exactly blown away. I though it was way too sentimental and weird in a really contrived way. The whole thing felt like some 2nd-rate Wes Anderson knockoff, to be honest…

2star


oh sweet theyre are no more t-rexes.

lions n big cats suck. bring back thed dinosaurz. remember when we had reall predators?? now its all lame ass cats and wolfs. sharks are ok. what about shark with legs so it could go on land. do that.
2star


Simply splendid

Had a wonderful time. Top-notch service. Quality of the highest order. Was absolutely planning on coming back again but to be quite candid, I am having some difficulty making a reservation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

4star