CAMBRIDGE, MA – A recently released scientific study has discovered that the word “hipster” is now verifiably meaningless. The joint six month study was conducted by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology & Harvard University in an effort to better track and categorize the common term.

“Our research and analysis showed that the definition of ‘hipster’ has been rendered meaningless by widespread overuse,” said Dr. Salmon Gupta of MIT. “At this point the public designates anything & everything as being indicative “hipster” tendencies. Our findings prove that the word has a socio-linguistic dilution rate of 100%. In layman’s terms: it doesn’t mean shit.”

“Not only did we prove the term void of definition,” says J.D. Wilburson, a Harvard Professor of Language and co-author of the paper. “We also pinpointed the exact moment when the word ‘hipster’ lost the final iota of measurable meaning.”

Through a combination of widespread electro-carbon testing and extensive interviewing, Wilburson & Gupta determined that the event in question took place on Feb.15th, 2012 at 2:47pm in Watertown, MA. Longtime crane operator & Patriots fan Vinny DiPaola observed a man in dress shoes crossing the street and remarked, “Aaahhhh Christ, look at that fucking hipster.”

“Formal footwear is universal and standard attire in almost every industry and sub-set of fashion,” said Dr. Gupta. “The fact that Mr. DiPaola interpreted it as a hallmark of hipsterdom is extraordinary.”

Dress shoes are just one of the many diluting attributes linked to ‘hipsters.’ Some of the other classifications Gupta and Wilburson’s research unearthed include:

  • Wearing “one of them old hats or something”
  • Listening to music that isn’t immediately recognizable
  • On a bike
  • Button down shirts, t-shirts, hoodies, polo shirts, pants, shorts
  • Not eating burger-based meals
  • Books (including but not limited to “fancy-pants books, gay-ass books, smart books, nerd books, books with no pictures and stuff”)
  • Loud sneezing
  • Fear of pigeons
  • Fear of sneezing pigeons
  • Strong love of clear-broth clam chowder
  • Ability to speak a second language
  • Painting, singing, dancing, not dancing, writing
  • Unwillingness to punch fans of opposing sports teams
  • Willingness to watch/like soccer
  • Beards, mustaches, long hair, short hair, weird hair, normal hair, lack of hat
  • Chicks & dudes
  • “That one guy with the pet dogs”
  • Coats, blankets, mittens, scarves, winter boots
  • Owning a laptop computer
  • “Come on, bro: look at that kid!”

“These is a truly exciting article to publish,” said Wilburson. “Not since ‘alternative music’ has there been such a ubiquitous and totally meaningless term. The future is now”