Tyger Cove

Sideburns For The Internet

Tag: Boston

I Like To Move It

Moving days are here again. Total chaos in the streets. Let’s check in around the greater Boston metro region to see how the local clans are handling the migration:

CAMBRIDGE

Moving Vehicle of Choice:
Overloaded Subaru, Prious, or old pickup truck borrowed from local sustainable farm.

Sidewalk Leftovers:
Boxes of Marxist literature, Ikea couches, unwanted less hip vinyl collections, crinkled Obama “Hope” posters, biotech team softball t-shirts, general airy residue infused with a smug sense of social & artistic superiority.

Overheard Conversation:
“I mean, I liked moving day before anyone knew about it. Before it got all mainstream, right?”

Recovery Drink of Choice:
$15 retro cocktail or ironically consumed PBR

BROOKLINE

Moving Vehicle of Choice:
Rented U-haul, Jeep Cherokee, slightly older BMW 3 series, Kosher moving van.

Sidewalk Leftovers:
Pottery Barn end tables, Zaftigs leftovers, a nice picture frame, $15,478 worth of parking tickets thrown by infuriated non-resident guests, healthy schmeer of clean but boring post-college to late thirties ennui.

Overheard Conversation:
“Well if we want to get crazy, I know this bar in Coolidge Corner that stays open until midnight. I kid thee not.”

Recovery Drink of Choice:
Sam Adams, thank you.

BRIGHTON

Moving Vehicle of Choice:
Beat up U-haul, parent’s minivan, this sick Ford Explorer my buddy Chuck said we could borrow.

Sidewalk Leftovers:
Shredded furniture, broken halogen lamps, BC paraphernalia, a rat inexplicably stuck in a beer bottle, thick haze of boozed out bros just havin’ a good time.

Overheard Conversation:
“Dude in the apartment across the street? Totally gay. Seriously, bro. Saw him wearing dress shoes.”

Recovery Drink of Choice:
Couple of 12-packs of whatever Chip and Billy bring back. Where are those guys?

BEACON HILL

Moving Vehicle of Choice:
Whatever truck those fellows we contracted happen to own.

Sidewalk Leftovers:
Persian rugs, Topsiders, last year’s madras patterns, that hideous vase your aunt regifted, wafting aroma of old-money confidence & tanned vacationing

Overheard Conversation:
“I don’t want to argue, Virginia. Just pop Madison’s collar and put him back in the stroller.”

Recovery Drink of Choice:
Pseudo-slumming beer at the Beacon Hill Pub or glass of zinfandel in the back garden.

ALLSTON

Moving Vehicle of Choice:
Band van, old Toyota hatchback, stolen shopping carts.

Sidewalk Leftovers:
Punctured stereo speakers, futon frames, puke, a thousand indie/punk/electro-clash dreams (with, like, this cool chill-wave influence I guess).

Overheard Conversation:
“That guy Carlos said he could do some show posters for us. You know, fuckin’ Carlos, man.”

Recovery Drink of Choice:
30-rack of PBR

Greater Boston Traffic Cone Awards

A tough year for a league still recovering from a devastating 2013 lockout. Still, we’d be remiss if we didn’t highlight the year’s top performers and stars. Without further delay, the Top 5 Greater Boston Traffic Cones of 2014:

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5) Rookie Hector “Molasses” De Jesus (pictured above) spent only two years in the minors before erupting with a breakthrough season in the big leagues. Thanks to a mid-season hot streak (Beacon Street road work, Marathon route lining, police detail near South Station) De Jesus earned top-tier recognition and a reputation as a diversely talented cone. Expectations for next season are already sky high.

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4) Not a season passes without some mention of Big Dig MVP and longtime highway specialist Wayne Fitzsimmons. This year saw another dominant run for Fitzsimmons who was an unavoidable presence on 95, 90, 84, and 128 (and 85% of the time, he held either 1st or 2nd cone position on lane closings).

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3) Corey “Tallboy” Barron. East Cambridge NStar debacle of September. ‘nuff said.

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2) The legendary Frank Borakowski is the conical definition of grit & experience. After taking a direct hit from an F-150 at Revere construction site, Borakowski returned only two weeks later to help narrow lanes on I-84. Just another highlight for a 15-year vet who doesn’t understand the meaning of “quit.”

A worker lays traffic ones on Lincoln Boulevard outside Los Angeles International Airport, as roads are closed to move space shuttle Endeavour

1) Detractors will say his success is just the result of strong teammates but his fans & supporters know better. B’Parkison Jonesworth exhibited reflective flash & daring placement that put him cones above the competition. This emerging superstar will long be remembered for his risky curbside work on State Street and his split-lane performance on the Sumner Tunnel ramp. Fearless and entertaining and undoubtedly a winner.

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