OPENING SCENE: Montage of busy city life, sunlight reflecting off of building windows, fast-moving clouds, etc. Aspirational music plays.
(voiceover) Life: the sights and sounds and smells. Life is in constant flux. Every passing moment presents a new opportunity. Every day is a fresh start, a new beginning. Technology keeps us in touch and up to date. We’re better connected and plugged-in like never before. But why does it still feel like we’re falling behind? Life, like a nervous cheetah or a coked-up jackrabbit, moves fast. How do we keep track of everything? How do we grow & improve? How do we check off all the boxes on our to-do list? Who gave that jackrabbit cocaine?
SLOW PANNING SHOT of conference room. Present are Hamilton Sterling and Chai Dixon-Whitfield, co-founders of KonectyGapify.ly
STERLING: KonectyGapify.ly is about the spaces in between, the places that define our lives. It’s in those spaces that we grow to unlimited heights, reach & surpass our goals, and become the people that we deserve to be. We need to conquer those spaces like .. . life-astronuats.
DIXON-WHITFIELD: We started KonectyGapify.ly (very carefully says the name to get the pronunciation right) because we saw the gaps & spaces not as a empty voids but as unifying points where we can make our lives stronger, better, and faster. Look: we started this company for one simple reason: we believe in people.
STERLING: And your uncle’s loaded and gave us a bunch of seed money.
DIXON-WHITFIELD: Yeah, that was pretty rad too.
FRAMED SHOT of man standing in front of insanely busy dry-erase board. Subtitle identifies him as Gustave Pomerian, Chief of IT & Product development.
POMERIAN: Some might say the market is already flooded with apps that help manage your life. I don’t know who says that but it seems like something that people might say. Anyhow, what makes KonectyGapify.ly (stumbles slightly more with the pronunciation) different is how we dominate your digital world… but also integrate with your existing networks. We’re a team player . . . but also the best player with the biggest endorsements and maybe a catch phrase like “Jam That Rock, Homeslice!”
PANNING SHOT to Bruce Culpepper (Head of Sales) standing in front of mess of quarterly reports and sales printouts.
CULPEPPER: People are skeptical of a new product that is this good. When I’m out in the field I get the usual responses: “Wait, how does this thing even work?” … “What the hell are you talking about, Bruce?” … “This is the women’s bathroom, you pervert” … But if anything, this pushback from the market is a great sign that we’re doing something truly revolutionary at KonectyGapify.ly (bumbles pronunciation).
CUT SHOT to Sterling sitting on a couch
STERLING: How does it work? Let me show you. Let’s say you need to update your Facebook status, book a return flight from San Jose, and check to see if you left your stove on. (pulls out phone) Instead of wasting your time with three different problems, you open up KonectyGapify.ly (butchers the name 1st time through, has to repeat it) and with two quick toggles and this finger motion, you’re all set. It’s that easy.
DIXON-WHITFIELD: Your usual babysitter has to cancel, you need to transfer money from your savings account to your checking account, and the old elm tree in your back yard needs to be pruned. (messes with phone) Done. Easy as cake.
CUT SHOT to Culpepper at a crowded desk
CULPEPPER: (arrogantly talking into headset) Well I would counter, Steven, that it’s totally feasible for a jackrabbit to secure cocaine.
CUT SHOT to POMERIAN sitting at a computer
POMERIAN: I need to check my blood pressure, take out a 2nd mortgage on my house, spay & neuter my cats, and tweet about the playoff game this weekend. (taps at keyboard) And I just did all of that. Jam That Rock, Homeslice!
STERLING: Let’s say you have to send a bouquet to your pregnant Italian secretary, verify the employment history of the new sales guy, scan your new business plan for profanities, integrate your front-end residual retail platform, toast a bagel –
POMERIAN: – take an x-ray of your child’s hand, buy dragon armor for your level 7 dwarf-magician, test your cat for peanut allergies, secure your next round of funding, rent an industrial leaf blower, order two bottles of moonshine –
DIXON-WHITFIELD: – renew your Peruvian citizenship, add retro filters to all your vacation pictures, synergize your outbound marketing, clean your coffee filter, find the closest rehab center for your jackrabbit –
STERLING: luxury yachts, gambling debts, business networking, chapped lips –
POMERIAN: – wedding bands, asset management, digital traces, that guy who stole your basketball shoes in 7th grade –
CULPEPPER: – hot single rescue animals-
DIXON-WHITFIELD: – bees, hornets, wasps, yellow-jackets –
STERLING: – maps, local produce, early onset pattern baldness –
CULPEPPER: – buzzwords –
STERLING: – dynamic growth trends –
POMERIAN: – nautical law degrees –
CULPEPPER: – dynamic trends in growth –
WIDE SHOT of Dixon-Whitfield and Sterling standing in front of the KonectyGapify.ly front desk
DIXON-WHITFIELD: KonectyGapify.ly (pronounces it as “Collect A Group Of Flies”) will change the way you change the way you live your life.
STERLING: This is the future. The future is everything in one simple app. KonectyGapify.ly (pronounces it as “Convict Fruit Guys”)
Culpepper bursts through the door.
CULPEPPER: Facebook just bought us for $23 billion!
DIXON-WHITFIELD: Jager-bombs & ping pong tournament to celebrate, brahs.