Tyger Cove

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Wu-Cat Forever

Wu-Tang Forever at the MOMA in NYC

Currently at the MOMA in New York City (pictured above), controversial exhibit Wu-Cat Forever arrives at the ICA in Boston next month. Pairing classic Wu-Tang lyrics with oversized prints of a domestic house cat, the exhibit has drawn both intense praise and criticism from music & art fans alike. Some view it as a bold pop-art statement on the commercial nature of rap music and the “inevitable transfer of street cred for monetary gain.” Others point out the contrast between “the unified group mentality of the Wu-Tang Clan and the unchangeable solitary nature of cats.” Still others have declared it “dumb… astoundingly dumb.” A small selection of the exhibit is featured below:

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Greater Boston Traffic Cone Awards

A tough year for a league still recovering from a devastating 2013 lockout. Still, we’d be remiss if we didn’t highlight the year’s top performers and stars. Without further delay, the Top 5 Greater Boston Traffic Cones of 2014:

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5) Rookie Hector “Molasses” De Jesus (pictured above) spent only two years in the minors before erupting with a breakthrough season in the big leagues. Thanks to a mid-season hot streak (Beacon Street road work, Marathon route lining, police detail near South Station) De Jesus earned top-tier recognition and a reputation as a diversely talented cone. Expectations for next season are already sky high.

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4) Not a season passes without some mention of Big Dig MVP and longtime highway specialist Wayne Fitzsimmons. This year saw another dominant run for Fitzsimmons who was an unavoidable presence on 95, 90, 84, and 128 (and 85% of the time, he held either 1st or 2nd cone position on lane closings).

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3) Corey “Tallboy” Barron. East Cambridge NStar debacle of September. ‘nuff said.

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2) The legendary Frank Borakowski is the conical definition of grit & experience. After taking a direct hit from an F-150 at Revere construction site, Borakowski returned only two weeks later to help narrow lanes on I-84. Just another highlight for a 15-year vet who doesn’t understand the meaning of “quit.”

A worker lays traffic ones on Lincoln Boulevard outside Los Angeles International Airport, as roads are closed to move space shuttle Endeavour

1) Detractors will say his success is just the result of strong teammates but his fans & supporters know better. B’Parkison Jonesworth exhibited reflective flash & daring placement that put him cones above the competition. This emerging superstar will long be remembered for his risky curbside work on State Street and his split-lane performance on the Sumner Tunnel ramp. Fearless and entertaining and undoubtedly a winner.

Start Me Up

OPENING SCENE: Montage of busy city life, sunlight reflecting off of building windows, fast-moving clouds, etc. Aspirational music plays.

(voiceover) Life: the sights and sounds and smells. Life is in constant flux. Every passing moment presents a new opportunity. Every day is a fresh start, a new beginning. Technology keeps us in touch and up to date. We’re better connected and plugged-in like never before. But why does it still feel like we’re falling behind? Life, like a nervous cheetah or a coked-up jackrabbit, moves fast. How do we keep track of everything? How do we grow & improve? How do we check off all the boxes on our to-do list? Who gave that jackrabbit cocaine?

SLOW PANNING SHOT of conference room. Present are Hamilton Sterling and Chai Dixon-Whitfield, co-founders of KonectyGapify.ly

STERLING: KonectyGapify.ly is about the spaces in between, the places that define our lives. It’s in those spaces that we grow to unlimited heights, reach & surpass our goals, and become the people that we deserve to be. We need to conquer those spaces like .. . life-astronuats.

DIXON-WHITFIELD: We started KonectyGapify.ly (very carefully says the name to get the pronunciation right) because we saw the gaps & spaces not as a empty voids but as unifying points where we can make our lives stronger, better, and faster. Look: we started this company for one simple reason: we believe in people.

STERLING: And your uncle’s loaded and gave us a bunch of seed money.

DIXON-WHITFIELD: Yeah, that was pretty rad too.

FRAMED SHOT of man standing in front of insanely busy dry-erase board. Subtitle identifies him as Gustave Pomerian, Chief of IT & Product development.

POMERIAN: Some might say the market is already flooded with apps that help manage your life. I don’t know who says that but it seems like something that people might say. Anyhow, what makes KonectyGapify.ly (stumbles slightly more with the pronunciation) different is how we dominate your digital world… but also integrate with your existing networks. We’re a team player . . . but also the best player with the biggest endorsements and maybe a catch phrase like “Jam That Rock, Homeslice!”

PANNING SHOT to Bruce Culpepper (Head of Sales) standing in front of mess of quarterly reports and sales printouts.

CULPEPPER: People are skeptical of a new product that is this good. When I’m out in the field I get the usual responses: “Wait, how does this thing even work?” … “What the hell are you talking about, Bruce?” … “This is the women’s bathroom, you pervert” … But if anything, this pushback from the market is a great sign that we’re doing something truly revolutionary at KonectyGapify.ly (bumbles pronunciation).

CUT SHOT to Sterling sitting on a couch

STERLING: How does it work? Let me show you. Let’s say you need to update your Facebook status, book a return flight from San Jose, and check to see if you left your stove on. (pulls out phone) Instead of wasting your time with three different problems, you open up KonectyGapify.ly (butchers the name 1st time through, has to repeat it) and with two quick toggles and this finger motion, you’re all set. It’s that easy.

DIXON-WHITFIELD: Your usual babysitter has to cancel, you need to transfer money from your savings account to your checking account, and the old elm tree in your back yard needs to be pruned. (messes with phone) Done. Easy as cake.

CUT SHOT to Culpepper at a crowded desk

CULPEPPER: (arrogantly talking into headset) Well I would counter, Steven, that it’s totally feasible for a jackrabbit to secure cocaine.

CUT SHOT to POMERIAN sitting at a computer

POMERIAN: I need to check my blood pressure, take out a 2nd mortgage on my house, spay & neuter my cats, and tweet about the playoff game this weekend. (taps at keyboard) And I just did all of that. Jam That Rock, Homeslice!

STERLING: Let’s say you have to send a bouquet to your pregnant Italian secretary, verify the employment history of the new sales guy, scan your new business plan for profanities, integrate your front-end residual retail platform, toast a bagel –

POMERIAN: – take an x-ray of your child’s hand, buy dragon armor for your level 7 dwarf-magician, test your cat for peanut allergies, secure your next round of funding, rent an industrial leaf blower, order two bottles of moonshine –

DIXON-WHITFIELD: – renew your Peruvian citizenship, add retro filters to all your vacation pictures, synergize your outbound marketing, clean your coffee filter, find the closest rehab center for your jackrabbit –

STERLING: luxury yachts, gambling debts, business networking, chapped lips –
POMERIAN: – wedding bands, asset management, digital traces, that guy who stole your basketball shoes in 7th grade –
CULPEPPER: – hot single rescue animals-
DIXON-WHITFIELD: – bees, hornets, wasps, yellow-jackets –
STERLING: – maps, local produce, early onset pattern baldness –
CULPEPPER: – buzzwords –
STERLING: – dynamic growth trends –
POMERIAN: – nautical law degrees –
CULPEPPER: – dynamic trends in growth –

WIDE SHOT of Dixon-Whitfield and Sterling standing in front of the KonectyGapify.ly front desk

DIXON-WHITFIELD: KonectyGapify.ly (pronounces it as “Collect A Group Of Flies”) will change the way you change the way you live your life.

STERLING: This is the future. The future is everything in one simple app. KonectyGapify.ly (pronounces it as “Convict Fruit Guys”)

Culpepper bursts through the door.

CULPEPPER: Facebook just bought us for $23 billion!

DIXON-WHITFIELD: Jager-bombs & ping pong tournament to celebrate, brahs.

Tender Is The Copier

ACT ONE

The office manager pulls me aside. She catches me Monday morning coming out of the elevator.

“Um, hello. If you have time now, can I talk to you about your hours last month?”

Sweaty palms, a hard swallow, stomach-dropping sensation. “Of course. I have some time.”

We walk around the corner into her office. I sit down across from her and take a sudden interest in the framed flower prints she has hanging behind her desk.

“Last month you had sixty hours of 1901 with no narrative.”

The case code 1901 designates ‘general overhead’ and is billed to the company rather than a client. The majority of the time you bill to 1901 when you work on internal company projects that have no relation to outside cases. In my case, I bill to 1901 when I cannot remember what I did on a given day or if I didn’t do anything at all.

“I’m assuming it wasn’t all down-time,” she says, eyes blinking rapidly.

“No, not at all,” I reply.

“Right. Well look, from now on you need to include a narrative to explain what you were doing, even if it’s just a few lines.”

“Oh, right. I didn’t know we needed to include narratives for 1901 entries. I thought it was only for specific cases.”

Inner monologue screams: lies! Damned lies!

We exchange pleasantries and wrap things up. I walk back to my cubicle burdened by the irrefutable fact that the hammer has dropped. It’s time to buckle down.

ACT TWO

The end of the month rolls around and I go online to fill out my timesheet. Once again I’ve failed and there are an inordinate number of entries billed to 1901, a clear indication that I have not been working. I start to fill out the first entry.

Case Code: 1901
Narrative: Photocopied marketing documents for backup binder.

Ok. It’s not so hard to come up with plausible narratives. I fill out the next few entries but then creative urges take over.

Case Code: 1901
Narrative: Heroically moved storage boxes from 14th floor to 10th floor.

Case Code: 1901
Narrative: Wrestled with thoughts of own mortality and endured a spiraling existential panic. Also, used hole-puncher without injuring self.

Case Code: 1901
Narrative: Switched the transmitter to a sub-government frequency and contacted Igor Krynzinski in Human Resources. Informed him that Delta Black Eagle was live and told him to take out the secondary targets first. Shredded any remaining evidence. Completed covert strike on the 14th floor where I successfully repossessed three coffee mugs, seven NutriGrain bars, a box of sugar packets, a half-full Honey Bear, and a photo of the VP’s 3rd wife.

I thought of sophomore year. I thought of  F. Scott Fitzgerald. I clicked on the final entry of the month.

Case Code: 1901
Narrative: He walked briskly through the dimming hallways of William, Pierce, & Lord, his footsteps echoing off the marble floors like the long-forgotten thoughts & premonitions. Reaching the building’s eastern-most office, he adjusted his white seersucker blazer, combed back his hair, and knocked three times on the ancient oak door. With a slow gracefulness she opened the door to let him in. “Caroline,” he began. “Wait,” she said, her strained voice stopping him where he stood. She looked up at him with her pale green eyes, eyes that hinted at things unsaid, sacred truths yet to be shared, at the unspeakable moment they shared that summer twilight before the war, holding each other in the glow of effervescent lamplight on the front porch of her family’s estate. Her eyes held him there, pinned like a moth against the all-consuming flame. “Oh, I’m a sorry mess,” she exclaimed, tears filling her eyes. “The copier is jammed again!” He held her, realizing that this finite moment would never return, that the frailty of their love would crumble in the harsh light of his deception. She cried against his shoulder, her body wracked with doubt. “I know,” he said softly, feeling her slip away. “But the IT guys are on their lunch break.” The printer whirred in the background and the overhead the vast constellations spun indifferently.

Rob Gronkowski: Thoughts

Stoked. Feeling like a CHAMP. Coach tells me I’m running the routes good and blocking good too. Also, he says I did a good job tying my cleats all by myself. All-star, bro.

Got flipped over going into the touchdown-space and landed on my neck. Acted like, “whatever, homos” and spiked the ball. GRONKOWSKI

NEW YORK CITY, bitches! 9:00am breakfast. Put eggs in my mouth. Call Kev back in California to tell him about the hot talent in NYC. Kev is all, “Y U CALLIN SO EARLY, GRONK?! It’s 6:00 in the morning, bro” and I’m like NO, it’s 9:00. He’s like, “there’s a 3 hour time difference” and “we’re in different time zones” and I’m thinkin’ goddamit Kev just listen to me, bro, HOT TAIL EVERYWHERE. Dude loved Star Wars as a kid and thinks talking about *timezone space robots* makes him sound smart & shit. LAME.

Can’t fit “MEAT CANNON” onto a license plate. Guess I’m keeping the old one.

Got my hand stuck in my face-guard again. Good thing Edelman’s got tiny girl fingers and helped me out. I owe you, mini-bro.

Must have got WASTED LAST NIGHT bcuz there was the UGLIEST porn star ever in my hotel room this morning. Woke up and she’s picking up towels and trying to make the bed and stuff. Totally don’t remember coming back with her. She’s all old and ugly and talking Mexican talk and I’m like, “I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.” On the bus to practice Edelman is like, “Rob, I think that was a cleaning lady, one of the hotel staff” and I’m like “shut up little man or I’ll eat you” Still got a headache. Gotta step up my game.

Bit my tongue real bad. Thought it was a piece of sausage leftover from breakfast. Hurts like a #$*@! and now it’s hard to make out with all three of these chicks.

The shampoo in the Denver hotel TASTED LIKE SHIT. I was like, are you kidding me? I thought this was some 5 star fancy place. Gonna tell Coach cuz there are other hotels and we can do better. Weak, bro. Denver sucks.

BOSTON! Rocked the bottle service at the club last night. Then on the way out I punched the bouncer the face and he thanked me. Big Pats fan, I guess. Love this town.

I put coach’s Kindle in the toaster by mistake and even though I only ate half of it, he was still pissed. Now I’m running wind-sprints. This is gonna be a long season..

Everyone thinks me and Brady are best-bros and tight in a totally no-homo way. It’s true. I got Tom’s back and he looks out for Gronk. He’s all, “watch for the outside blitz” or “look both ways before you cross, Gronk” or “Jesus Christ, Rob, how did you fit that pinecone in your mouth? Call the trainer, he’s choking!”
BEST BROS

J. Campbell-Smithbone

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Eat Well Enjoy Life’s White Bean Hummus:
A Comprehensive Review

The Purchase

While I was initially distraught by cashier-to-customer ratio, the check-out process was passable and relatively painless. The cashier was a young fellow in his mid-twenties sporting an immaculate hair sweep, the arm tattoos of a sailor, and the sort of tight trousers that are popular amongst the youth of Cambridge. These trousers leave little to the imagination and based on a perfunctory glance, one could (if so inclined) easily rate his junk. My butler Thompson deemed it to be “average” but he is lout and prone to exaggeration. The young man inquired as to how I was doing and I told him to mind the task at hand and ring me up. My sharp direction made short work of his inane banter and I was out in a jiffy.

Packaging

Eat Well Enjoy Life’s White Bean Hummus comes in an industrially produced plastic package. There is a conspicuous lack of craftsmanship & detail and the container seems to be the rough work of either a machine or a thuggish working-man. The label on top is a garish mess of green and yellow. I found it to be painful and Thompson poured me a large dram of scotch to offset the resulting headache. Under the cover was a thin plastic film that had to be removed. It was coated with oil and flecks of bean dip and a good portion of both ended up on my hand. I deemed this barbaric, finished my scotch, and beat Thompson with a spatula for good measure. The president of Eat Well Enjoy Life should expect heated correspondence in the near future.

Flavor, Texture, and Quality

Shoddy packaging aside, Eat Well Enjoy Life’s White Bean Hummus is actually a delightful comestible. The flavor is subtle but confident and blended well with the traditional crackers Thompson had procured for our sampling. The dip itself consists of a thick & mealy texture but in a manner that does’t offend the palate. Some of the lesser crackers were broken and lost during the “scooping” process but I shed no tears. They were not of hearty stock and deserved their crumbly fate. In summation, Eat Well Enjoy Life’s White Bean Hummus is a refined combination of noble grace & simple boldness, like a white swan taking flight whilst sporting a stiff erection. Hats off to you, sirs, for achieving such a delicate balance.

Final Word

This spread earns a well-deserved Earl of Oxfordshire rating (on a scale from Earl of Kent to Lord of Yorkshire)

Sociological Advances

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A recently released scientific study has discovered that the word “hipster” is now verifiably meaningless. The joint six month study was conducted by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology & Harvard University in an effort to better track and categorize the common term.

“Our research and analysis showed that the definition of ‘hipster’ has been rendered meaningless by widespread overuse,” said Dr. Salmon Gupta of MIT. “At this point the public designates anything & everything as being indicative “hipster” tendencies. Our findings prove that the word has a socio-linguistic dilution rate of 100%. In layman’s terms: it doesn’t mean shit.”

“Not only did we prove the term void of definition,” says J.D. Wilburson, a Harvard Professor of Language and co-author of the paper. “We also pinpointed the exact moment when the word ‘hipster’ lost the final iota of measurable meaning.”

Through a combination of widespread electro-carbon testing and extensive interviewing, Wilburson & Gupta determined that the event in question took place on Feb.15th, 2012 at 2:47pm in Watertown, MA. Longtime crane operator & Patriots fan Vinny DiPaola observed a man in dress shoes crossing the street and remarked, “Aaahhhh Christ, look at that fucking hipster.”

“Formal footwear is universal and standard attire in almost every industry and sub-set of fashion,” said Dr. Gupta. “The fact that Mr. DiPaola interpreted it as a hallmark of hipsterdom is extraordinary.”

Dress shoes are just one of the many diluting attributes linked to ‘hipsters.’ Some of the other classifications Gupta and Wilburson’s research unearthed include:

  • Wearing “one of them old hats or something”
  • Listening to music that isn’t immediately recognizable
  • On a bike
  • Button down shirts, t-shirts, hoodies, polo shirts, pants, shorts
  • Not eating burger-based meals
  • Books (including but not limited to “fancy-pants books, gay-ass books, smart books, nerd books, books with no pictures and stuff”)
  • Loud sneezing
  • Fear of pigeons
  • Fear of sneezing pigeons
  • Strong love of clear-broth clam chowder
  • Ability to speak a second language
  • Painting, singing, dancing, not dancing, writing
  • Unwillingness to punch fans of opposing sports teams
  • Willingness to watch/like soccer
  • Beards, mustaches, long hair, short hair, weird hair, normal hair, lack of hat
  • Chicks & dudes
  • “That one guy with the pet dogs”
  • Coats, blankets, mittens, scarves, winter boots
  • Owning a laptop computer
  • “Come on, bro: look at that kid!”

“These is a truly exciting article to publish,” said Wilburson. “Not since ‘alternative music’ has there been such a ubiquitous and totally meaningless term. The future is now”

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