Tyger Cove

Sideburns For The Internet

Category: The Arts

Zombie Diary

Day 277
Still feeling pretty sad about losing Sammy, Todd, Papa Walter, and Hamilton Jr. in that old mill. It seemed super zombie-free when we went to bed but it totally wasn’t. There were lots of zombies. Glad the rest of us made it out. Now we’re walking north following the train tracks. I got scared that a train will hit us but Randall said there are no more trains. I was like, “what about a zombie train?” but he told me to shut up and walk. He’s just cranky because a zombie bit off the shoelace on one of his boots. Also because Sammy and Todd were his brothers and they got eaten by zombies.

Day 284
Kev and T-Bone found a huge stash of canned cat food in a grocery store this morning so we’ve been eating like kings all day. Cat kings but still, kings. I told Ashleigh that we should take some of the dry food too because it’s better for our teeth & coats but she said that was only for cats and not people. Whatever. Not gonna feel bad when she has mangy fur and gross teeth.

Day 285
Too much canned cat food. Whole group spent the day in an old bus station just pooping all the time. Wish I had some dry cat food to settle my stomach. Or ginger ale. Either one or both. I feel terrible.

Day 290
I got a splinter from a wooden fence. Didn’t tell anyone. Too tough. Gotta be to survive in this new world.

Day 297
So much drama last night. Randall made everyone vote on who should lead the group. T-Bone kept asking “what’s our longterm plan?” was and making fun of Randall for his missing shoelace and for pronouncing wheelbarrow like “wheel-barrel.” Things got super awkward. Randall was like, “you think you can do better? Fine! Let’s take a vote, you fat prick.” I said let’s do a debate and take questions from the audience but nobody wanted to do that. I tried to ask T-Bone what his beard policy would be if he was leader (I’m pro-beard) but he and Randall were punching each other’s faces by then. Tanya separated them and everyone voted for Randall except for T-Bone, Kev, and Willy. Then we all went to bed angry.

Day 299
Are there lady zombies? I think there’s both but it’s hard to tell.

Day 305
Our third day on the road just cruisin’ along. We found an old bus outside of Memphis and T-Bone got it up and running. We stopped to scavenge some supplies and when we got back to the bus, Tanya was in my seat even though I called “same seats.” I know the world is now a lawless wasteland but come on.

Day 315
The bus broke down and just because I was driving when it happened, everyone blames me. Yeah, it’s my fault. I’m the bad guy for swerving to avoid a squirrel and crashing into a fire hydrant. Everyone was grumbling & whining. On the way to the farmhouse where we’re staying tonight, we saw signs for some place called “Pleasant Haven” which I think is a salad dressing factory. People were talking about how can we get there but I don’t know what the big deal is.

Day 328
We made it to Pleasant Haven (it’s a walled-in town, not a salad dressing factory). Everyone here seems friendly. The head of the place is this super-nice guy we call The Comptroller. When we arrived he was all, “welcome, my friends, to Pleasant Haven. This is a place of safety & order, a true community where all are accepted. This town is the fertile soil from which the resilient seeds of society will spring forth. Pleasant Haven is the rebirth of humanity. And let me say this: there’s definitely nothing weird going on in the storage sheds out back. Also, the storage sheds are off limits. Please remember that. Storage sheds: off limits. But welcome, one and all.” Great guy. So happy to be here.

Day 337
What a place! They have like a whole real scene going on. There’s a barbershop, a general store, a church, an arcade, and two different coffee shops (I go to the one where the barista remembers my name). The Pleasant Haven cafeteria is right near the storage sheds and is super delicious. My favorite things on the menu are:

  • Leg of “Lamb”
  • “Chicken” Fingers
  • Sloppy “Joe” (on Fridays)
  • “Hamburger”
  • The Daily Special (named each week after a lucky member of Pleasant Haven!)

T-Bone says something’s strange about this place but he’s a big party pooper. He said we need to leave and he’s going to have “a serious talk” with The Comptroller about our crew moving on. I told him do whatever pal but I’m staying here.

Day 339
Just had a romantic lunch at the cafeteria with the barista. It went well. I had the special (T-bone Steak) which reminds me that I haven’t seen T-Bone in a few days. I bet he’s doing ok just being a loner. Classic T-Bone.

Day 355
Big news! The Comptroller said I’ve been promoted to Junior Comptroller for “outstanding work in the field of work.” I just need to meet with the Executive Committee in the storage sheds to get my badge. Things are finally looking up.

Wu-Cat Forever

Wu-Tang Forever at the MOMA in NYC

Currently at the MOMA in New York City (pictured above), controversial exhibit Wu-Cat Forever arrives at the ICA in Boston next month. Pairing classic Wu-Tang lyrics with oversized prints of a domestic house cat, the exhibit has drawn both intense praise and criticism from music & art fans alike. Some view it as a bold pop-art statement on the commercial nature of rap music and the “inevitable transfer of street cred for monetary gain.” Others point out the contrast between “the unified group mentality of the Wu-Tang Clan and the unchangeable solitary nature of cats.” Still others have declared it “dumb… astoundingly dumb.” A small selection of the exhibit is featured below:

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Tender Is The Copier

ACT ONE

The office manager pulls me aside. She catches me Monday morning coming out of the elevator.

“Um, hello. If you have time now, can I talk to you about your hours last month?”

Sweaty palms, a hard swallow, stomach-dropping sensation. “Of course. I have some time.”

We walk around the corner into her office. I sit down across from her and take a sudden interest in the framed flower prints she has hanging behind her desk.

“Last month you had sixty hours of 1901 with no narrative.”

The case code 1901 designates ‘general overhead’ and is billed to the company rather than a client. The majority of the time you bill to 1901 when you work on internal company projects that have no relation to outside cases. In my case, I bill to 1901 when I cannot remember what I did on a given day or if I didn’t do anything at all.

“I’m assuming it wasn’t all down-time,” she says, eyes blinking rapidly.

“No, not at all,” I reply.

“Right. Well look, from now on you need to include a narrative to explain what you were doing, even if it’s just a few lines.”

“Oh, right. I didn’t know we needed to include narratives for 1901 entries. I thought it was only for specific cases.”

Inner monologue screams: lies! Damned lies!

We exchange pleasantries and wrap things up. I walk back to my cubicle burdened by the irrefutable fact that the hammer has dropped. It’s time to buckle down.

ACT TWO

The end of the month rolls around and I go online to fill out my timesheet. Once again I’ve failed and there are an inordinate number of entries billed to 1901, a clear indication that I have not been working. I start to fill out the first entry.

Case Code: 1901
Narrative: Photocopied marketing documents for backup binder.

Ok. It’s not so hard to come up with plausible narratives. I fill out the next few entries but then creative urges take over.

Case Code: 1901
Narrative: Heroically moved storage boxes from 14th floor to 10th floor.

Case Code: 1901
Narrative: Wrestled with thoughts of own mortality and endured a spiraling existential panic. Also, used hole-puncher without injuring self.

Case Code: 1901
Narrative: Switched the transmitter to a sub-government frequency and contacted Igor Krynzinski in Human Resources. Informed him that Delta Black Eagle was live and told him to take out the secondary targets first. Shredded any remaining evidence. Completed covert strike on the 14th floor where I successfully repossessed three coffee mugs, seven NutriGrain bars, a box of sugar packets, a half-full Honey Bear, and a photo of the VP’s 3rd wife.

I thought of sophomore year. I thought of  F. Scott Fitzgerald. I clicked on the final entry of the month.

Case Code: 1901
Narrative: He walked briskly through the dimming hallways of William, Pierce, & Lord, his footsteps echoing off the marble floors like the long-forgotten thoughts & premonitions. Reaching the building’s eastern-most office, he adjusted his white seersucker blazer, combed back his hair, and knocked three times on the ancient oak door. With a slow gracefulness she opened the door to let him in. “Caroline,” he began. “Wait,” she said, her strained voice stopping him where he stood. She looked up at him with her pale green eyes, eyes that hinted at things unsaid, sacred truths yet to be shared, at the unspeakable moment they shared that summer twilight before the war, holding each other in the glow of effervescent lamplight on the front porch of her family’s estate. Her eyes held him there, pinned like a moth against the all-consuming flame. “Oh, I’m a sorry mess,” she exclaimed, tears filling her eyes. “The copier is jammed again!” He held her, realizing that this finite moment would never return, that the frailty of their love would crumble in the harsh light of his deception. She cried against his shoulder, her body wracked with doubt. “I know,” he said softly, feeling her slip away. “But the IT guys are on their lunch break.” The printer whirred in the background and the overhead the vast constellations spun indifferently.

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