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Sideburns For The Internet

Category: Tech

Amazon Echo’s Acting Career

We couldn’t help but notice that the star of Amazon’s newest and totally not awkward product video looked awfully familiar. A little internet digging yielded the following IMDB entry for the talented & beautiful Amazon Echo.

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Icon Set (With Explanations)

A little something for our designer friends: a free set of cutting-edge icons. We’ve also included explanations as to avoid any confusion. Please enjoy and use responsibly.
Iconosphere

Jerkspace

I’m in the early stages of a new startup. Sure, you can hold & sell public parking spaces now but why stop there? What about a stool at the pizza place, the best swing on the swing-set (third one from the left), or a spot on Revere beach? Please contact me directly if you’re interested in dumping millions of dollars into my face. Jerkspace is almost guaranteed to surpass almost every existing startup in terms of user-base and value. Website mockup is below.

JerkSpace

Spring Incorporated

Let’s be clear about why we’re here: this is an emergency meeting. Let’s forgo the usual bullshit and cut to the chase. Ladies & gentlemen, we’re in trouble.

For millions of years, Spring Inc. has been a universally known & trusted brand. We’re the best at what we do and have dominated the transitional warm weather sector for as long as I can remember. Sure, we’ve never had the insane popularity or market share of Summer Industries but come on, who has? Those guys are untouchable.

You think this is funny, Payne? I’m not sure what you’re snickering at. It’s a miracle you’re even here considering how badly you botched the Perennial Flowers Growth & Distribution Plan last year. Yeah, not so hilarious, right?

Focus, people. Here’s just some of the troubling user feedback we’ve received:

  • “Too much pollen. My sinuses & eyes & face are messed up real good.”
  • “New foliage takes to long to install. What gives?”
  • “I’m confused if I should put my winter coat away or not.”
  • “My young kids saw a massive rabbit orgy in the park.”
  • “Today’s flowers are too show-offy and lack fundamentals.”
  • “Rained out JV softball tournament. Actually, whatever.”

You can write off some of these as the usual whiners & complainers but here’s the deal: our overall numbers are really bad. Like, in the “jam-band festival toilet” bad. Look at the stats:

Spring Stats

We need a full-scale rebrand and a fresh approach to our marketing. We’re gonna’ tear this mother down and start from scratch. We’ll start with a powerhouse campaign, like “April Showers Bring May Flowers (And 50% Off Your Next Taco Bell Spice-Bomb Supreme Purchase).” No? Ok, what about “April Is The Cruelest Month: Sponsored by the MountainDew Extreme Cruelty Half-pipe Tour”? Ok, we can come back to this. Just spitballing here.

Maybe we put some QR codes on the larger newborn animals, slap them on some fawns and calves. Really leverage our animal resources. More geese flyovers, better robin colors, hell, maybe even some bluejays with iTunes gift cards. And as always, we can count on the Bunnies, Kittens, & Chicks Department to bring in some business from our early-adopter cute demographic. Great work as always, Jeff.

Let’s co-promote some stuff with those asshats at Summer Industries, get some good press about how “Spring Inc. Is The Perfect Lead-In to Summer!” They owe us, after all. Janet, you could crank out some article about how our platform integrates perfectly with prom season. Oh! Fashion piece about trends in graduation dresses or early-planting techniques for farmers – sponsored by us. You get the general idea, the usual feel-good crap.

Look: we need to get some temperature consistency, tone down the sexual content, crank up the more desirable animals, and get this smell situation on track. Dammit, people, we can do this. I will not see Spring Inc. become some 3rd rate joke of a has-been. Not on my watch.

Start Me Up

OPENING SCENE: Montage of busy city life, sunlight reflecting off of building windows, fast-moving clouds, etc. Aspirational music plays.

(voiceover) Life: the sights and sounds and smells. Life is in constant flux. Every passing moment presents a new opportunity. Every day is a fresh start, a new beginning. Technology keeps us in touch and up to date. We’re better connected and plugged-in like never before. But why does it still feel like we’re falling behind? Life, like a nervous cheetah or a coked-up jackrabbit, moves fast. How do we keep track of everything? How do we grow & improve? How do we check off all the boxes on our to-do list? Who gave that jackrabbit cocaine?

SLOW PANNING SHOT of conference room. Present are Hamilton Sterling and Chai Dixon-Whitfield, co-founders of KonectyGapify.ly

STERLING: KonectyGapify.ly is about the spaces in between, the places that define our lives. It’s in those spaces that we grow to unlimited heights, reach & surpass our goals, and become the people that we deserve to be. We need to conquer those spaces like .. . life-astronuats.

DIXON-WHITFIELD: We started KonectyGapify.ly (very carefully says the name to get the pronunciation right) because we saw the gaps & spaces not as a empty voids but as unifying points where we can make our lives stronger, better, and faster. Look: we started this company for one simple reason: we believe in people.

STERLING: And your uncle’s loaded and gave us a bunch of seed money.

DIXON-WHITFIELD: Yeah, that was pretty rad too.

FRAMED SHOT of man standing in front of insanely busy dry-erase board. Subtitle identifies him as Gustave Pomerian, Chief of IT & Product development.

POMERIAN: Some might say the market is already flooded with apps that help manage your life. I don’t know who says that but it seems like something that people might say. Anyhow, what makes KonectyGapify.ly (stumbles slightly more with the pronunciation) different is how we dominate your digital world… but also integrate with your existing networks. We’re a team player . . . but also the best player with the biggest endorsements and maybe a catch phrase like “Jam That Rock, Homeslice!”

PANNING SHOT to Bruce Culpepper (Head of Sales) standing in front of mess of quarterly reports and sales printouts.

CULPEPPER: People are skeptical of a new product that is this good. When I’m out in the field I get the usual responses: “Wait, how does this thing even work?” … “What the hell are you talking about, Bruce?” … “This is the women’s bathroom, you pervert” … But if anything, this pushback from the market is a great sign that we’re doing something truly revolutionary at KonectyGapify.ly (bumbles pronunciation).

CUT SHOT to Sterling sitting on a couch

STERLING: How does it work? Let me show you. Let’s say you need to update your Facebook status, book a return flight from San Jose, and check to see if you left your stove on. (pulls out phone) Instead of wasting your time with three different problems, you open up KonectyGapify.ly (butchers the name 1st time through, has to repeat it) and with two quick toggles and this finger motion, you’re all set. It’s that easy.

DIXON-WHITFIELD: Your usual babysitter has to cancel, you need to transfer money from your savings account to your checking account, and the old elm tree in your back yard needs to be pruned. (messes with phone) Done. Easy as cake.

CUT SHOT to Culpepper at a crowded desk

CULPEPPER: (arrogantly talking into headset) Well I would counter, Steven, that it’s totally feasible for a jackrabbit to secure cocaine.

CUT SHOT to POMERIAN sitting at a computer

POMERIAN: I need to check my blood pressure, take out a 2nd mortgage on my house, spay & neuter my cats, and tweet about the playoff game this weekend. (taps at keyboard) And I just did all of that. Jam That Rock, Homeslice!

STERLING: Let’s say you have to send a bouquet to your pregnant Italian secretary, verify the employment history of the new sales guy, scan your new business plan for profanities, integrate your front-end residual retail platform, toast a bagel –

POMERIAN: – take an x-ray of your child’s hand, buy dragon armor for your level 7 dwarf-magician, test your cat for peanut allergies, secure your next round of funding, rent an industrial leaf blower, order two bottles of moonshine –

DIXON-WHITFIELD: – renew your Peruvian citizenship, add retro filters to all your vacation pictures, synergize your outbound marketing, clean your coffee filter, find the closest rehab center for your jackrabbit –

STERLING: luxury yachts, gambling debts, business networking, chapped lips –
POMERIAN: – wedding bands, asset management, digital traces, that guy who stole your basketball shoes in 7th grade –
CULPEPPER: – hot single rescue animals-
DIXON-WHITFIELD: – bees, hornets, wasps, yellow-jackets –
STERLING: – maps, local produce, early onset pattern baldness –
CULPEPPER: – buzzwords –
STERLING: – dynamic growth trends –
POMERIAN: – nautical law degrees –
CULPEPPER: – dynamic trends in growth –

WIDE SHOT of Dixon-Whitfield and Sterling standing in front of the KonectyGapify.ly front desk

DIXON-WHITFIELD: KonectyGapify.ly (pronounces it as “Collect A Group Of Flies”) will change the way you change the way you live your life.

STERLING: This is the future. The future is everything in one simple app. KonectyGapify.ly (pronounces it as “Convict Fruit Guys”)

Culpepper bursts through the door.

CULPEPPER: Facebook just bought us for $23 billion!

DIXON-WHITFIELD: Jager-bombs & ping pong tournament to celebrate, brahs.

Sociological Advances

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A recently released scientific study has discovered that the word “hipster” is now verifiably meaningless. The joint six month study was conducted by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology & Harvard University in an effort to better track and categorize the common term.

“Our research and analysis showed that the definition of ‘hipster’ has been rendered meaningless by widespread overuse,” said Dr. Salmon Gupta of MIT. “At this point the public designates anything & everything as being indicative “hipster” tendencies. Our findings prove that the word has a socio-linguistic dilution rate of 100%. In layman’s terms: it doesn’t mean shit.”

“Not only did we prove the term void of definition,” says J.D. Wilburson, a Harvard Professor of Language and co-author of the paper. “We also pinpointed the exact moment when the word ‘hipster’ lost the final iota of measurable meaning.”

Through a combination of widespread electro-carbon testing and extensive interviewing, Wilburson & Gupta determined that the event in question took place on Feb.15th, 2012 at 2:47pm in Watertown, MA. Longtime crane operator & Patriots fan Vinny DiPaola observed a man in dress shoes crossing the street and remarked, “Aaahhhh Christ, look at that fucking hipster.”

“Formal footwear is universal and standard attire in almost every industry and sub-set of fashion,” said Dr. Gupta. “The fact that Mr. DiPaola interpreted it as a hallmark of hipsterdom is extraordinary.”

Dress shoes are just one of the many diluting attributes linked to ‘hipsters.’ Some of the other classifications Gupta and Wilburson’s research unearthed include:

  • Wearing “one of them old hats or something”
  • Listening to music that isn’t immediately recognizable
  • On a bike
  • Button down shirts, t-shirts, hoodies, polo shirts, pants, shorts
  • Not eating burger-based meals
  • Books (including but not limited to “fancy-pants books, gay-ass books, smart books, nerd books, books with no pictures and stuff”)
  • Loud sneezing
  • Fear of pigeons
  • Fear of sneezing pigeons
  • Strong love of clear-broth clam chowder
  • Ability to speak a second language
  • Painting, singing, dancing, not dancing, writing
  • Unwillingness to punch fans of opposing sports teams
  • Willingness to watch/like soccer
  • Beards, mustaches, long hair, short hair, weird hair, normal hair, lack of hat
  • Chicks & dudes
  • “That one guy with the pet dogs”
  • Coats, blankets, mittens, scarves, winter boots
  • Owning a laptop computer
  • “Come on, bro: look at that kid!”

“These is a truly exciting article to publish,” said Wilburson. “Not since ‘alternative music’ has there been such a ubiquitous and totally meaningless term. The future is now”

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