Ladies & gentlemen, members of the jury, assorted royals, representatives of the Illinois law enforcement community: we have good news. We, as a society, have decided that 2015 will be the year in which we will put to bed the over-used & totally meaningless phrase “crushing it.” Thank you, thank you for your applause. For far too long this inane phrase has been thrown at anything & everything under the sun: retention rates, quarterly sales numbers, whole departments, individual efforts, sports performances, app developers, TV shows, sandwiches, peanut allergies, Victorian mustaches, your mom, etc. “Crushing it” will join other notable retired phrases including:

  • “As if!”
  • “Cool your jets”
  • “Let’s not and say we did”
  • “Get a life”
  • “Who let the dogs out?”
  • “I like big butts (and I cannot lie)”
  • “Margaret Thatch-her? I just met her!”

Clearly there will be exceptions to this policy. The following are the only remaining situations in which it may still be appropriate to use the phrase “crushing it.”

1. Convention center double-books a Monster Truck rally and Fabergé Egg auction.

2. Bull in a china shop. Also, the bull is on meth.

3. A champion sumo wrestler gets matched up against an amateur duck.


4. Epileptic Hodor is given a birthday sledgehammer

5. Chris Christie experiences an unfortunate “skydiving incident” over a petting zoo.

6. Elephant destroys a printer after finding out how much ink cartridges cost.


7. R2D2 fails to shut down all garbage mashers on the Detention Level.

8. Errant bowling-ball vs. hipster ant drinking spilled PBR.


9. NFL Films mistakenly releases defensive linemen orgy episode.

10. Unemployed rhino hijacks a steamroller and exacts his revenge on a cupcake.