Let’s be clear about why we’re here: this is an emergency meeting. Let’s forgo the usual bullshit and cut to the chase. Ladies & gentlemen, we’re in trouble.

For millions of years, Spring Inc. has been a universally known & trusted brand. We’re the best at what we do and have dominated the transitional warm weather sector for as long as I can remember. Sure, we’ve never had the insane popularity or market share of Summer Industries but come on, who has? Those guys are untouchable.

You think this is funny, Payne? I’m not sure what you’re snickering at. It’s a miracle you’re even here considering how badly you botched the Perennial Flowers Growth & Distribution Plan last year. Yeah, not so hilarious, right?

Focus, people. Here’s just some of the troubling user feedback we’ve received:

  • “Too much pollen. My sinuses & eyes & face are messed up real good.”
  • “New foliage takes to long to install. What gives?”
  • “I’m confused if I should put my winter coat away or not.”
  • “My young kids saw a massive rabbit orgy in the park.”
  • “Today’s flowers are too show-offy and lack fundamentals.”
  • “Rained out JV softball tournament. Actually, whatever.”

You can write off some of these as the usual whiners & complainers but here’s the deal: our overall numbers are really bad. Like, in the “jam-band festival toilet” bad. Look at the stats:

Spring Stats

We need a full-scale rebrand and a fresh approach to our marketing. We’re gonna’ tear this mother down and start from scratch. We’ll start with a powerhouse campaign, like “April Showers Bring May Flowers (And 50% Off Your Next Taco Bell Spice-Bomb Supreme Purchase).” No? Ok, what about “April Is The Cruelest Month: Sponsored by the MountainDew Extreme Cruelty Half-pipe Tour”? Ok, we can come back to this. Just spitballing here.

Maybe we put some QR codes on the larger newborn animals, slap them on some fawns and calves. Really leverage our animal resources. More geese flyovers, better robin colors, hell, maybe even some bluejays with iTunes gift cards. And as always, we can count on the Bunnies, Kittens, & Chicks Department to bring in some business from our early-adopter cute demographic. Great work as always, Jeff.

Let’s co-promote some stuff with those asshats at Summer Industries, get some good press about how “Spring Inc. Is The Perfect Lead-In to Summer!” They owe us, after all. Janet, you could crank out some article about how our platform integrates perfectly with prom season. Oh! Fashion piece about trends in graduation dresses or early-planting techniques for farmers – sponsored by us. You get the general idea, the usual feel-good crap.

Look: we need to get some temperature consistency, tone down the sexual content, crank up the more desirable animals, and get this smell situation on track. Dammit, people, we can do this. I will not see Spring Inc. become some 3rd rate joke of a has-been. Not on my watch.